Writing Excuses 21.02: My Process is Not Your Process

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Writing Excuses 21.02: My Process is Not Your Process 

From https://writingexcuses.com/21-02-my-process-is-not-your-process

Key Points: Barriers? Where do you start? Why am I not doing a thing? Stimulus! Patterns. Notice what you are doing, look for intersections, and figure out the ties. Observation and self-examination. What works for you? Lower the threshold, the friction. Give yourself permission to not do something, too. Then what? Link things together, make chains. Look for what you are eager to do. Pavlov dogging. Pay attention to physical, simple things. Be your own nice assistant! Give yourself good advice. Listen to yourself more than to other people.

[Season 21, Episode 02]

[Mary Robinette] This episode of Writing Excuses has been brought to you by our listeners, patrons, and friends. If you would like to learn how to support this podcast, visit www.patreon.com/writingexcuses.

[Season 21, Episode 02]

[Mary Robinette] This is Writing Excuses.

[DongWon] My process is not your process.

[Mary Robinette] I'm Mary Robinette.

[DongWon] I'm DongWon.

[Erin] I'm Erin.

[DongWon] This week, we wanted to start digging into one of our season 21 topics here. Which is, we're going to be talking about the barriers to writing. Things that get in your way, things that block you from accomplishing the goals that you set for yourself. Last week, we talked about intention setting and goals, and now we're going to start talking about ways in which you can start breaking down the things that stand between you and those intentions. To do that, we want to talk about processes. Last year, we spent a bunch of time talking about each of our individual processes for getting work done. For accomplishing your goals. And in this episode, we wanted to start shifting away from here's what we do to start talking about okay, if they do X, Y, and Z, how do I figure out what works for me? So when it comes to each of you in terms of building out what your process looks like, where do you start with that? Where do you start with the I need to figure something else out, I need to change something, or figuring it out in the first place?

[Mary Robinette] So I spend a lot of time, just in my own personal life, not just with writing, trying to figure out why am I not doing the thing?

[DongWon] Yeah.

[Mary Robinette] Trying to figure out what my barrier is. Because the thing that I have found is that there's usually a reason that I'm not doing a thing. I've talked before about humans are mammals. And one of the things my dog trainer said about our dog was that when you have a dog that's reacting to something, that the first thing you should do is remove the thing that they're reacting to. It's not that they're misbehaving, they are having a response to a stimulus. And so that... What I... Like, when I am... When I'm doing avoidance reaction, when I'm doing things like that, I am having a response to a stimulus, and I need to figure out what that stimulus is and how to either remove it or to reshape my reaction to it. And so that's one of the things that I do when I'm sitting down and, like, trying to figure out, okay, the process is broken, how do I find a new process?

[Erin] I think, for me, I look a lot for patterns in my own life and figure out like, why is something happening? A pattern... I think I told you about this on the podcast years ago is that I discovered once that I would start buying lottery scratch off tickets when I was unhappy at work. And I didn't realize for a long time... I'd be like, I just feel like there's periods of my life where I appear to be buying all these lottery scratch offs, and then I lose interest. Like, what is that about? And so I started paying attention, like, when am I doing this? Is it certain days of the week? Is it when I pass a specific store? And eventually, I was like, no, it's every time I'm having, like, a really bad day, and so I'm in my mind envisioning that I will win the lottery and never have to go back to work.

[Chuckles]

[DongWon] Yeah.

[Erin] This is like what's happening beneath the surface. But it required me to notice that I was doing something a bunch, think about where else intersected with things in my life, even things I would not have expected, and then try to figure out what's the tie between them. And so I think anytime there's something that feels like a barrier, I try to figure out what is that barrier tied to, where's the pattern? Because once you know the pattern, you can then... At least being aware of it, I think, sometimes does a lot of the work, and then you can also try to break it down.

[DongWon] Yeah. Yeah. I think it really has to start with observation. Right? And self-examination. I'm in a moment right now where I'm, like, rebuilding a bunch of different work processes in my life for a variety of reasons. One of which is, I just moved again. And so I'm sort of figuring, okay, now that I'm in this new physical space, also in this different place in my career, also in this different sort of situation with various projects, what do I need right now and how do I assemble a process that works for me? Right? So I think starting with what are those barriers, like, or what are those patterns, at least, before we even get to the barriers? Or, like, what am I currently doing? Are these things serving me? I think is the first thing to start with. Right? In terms of, like, my day looks like this. What... My goals for this week were this, here's what I actually accomplished, here's the stuff that's a problem, here's the stuff that's not. And, like, at least starting with that self-assessment I think can be really, really helpful in terms of, like, figuring out do I need to change anything, what needs to change, and what even is my process right now?

[Erin] I think that can work both ways, which is that you can also observe the patterns that are serving you.

[DongWon] Yeah.

[Erin] In one of the process episodes, I can't remember which one, we talked about learning how you got yourself to do things, like, what gets you past barriers in other aspects of your life.

[DongWon] Yeah.

[Erin] And so, if there's something that's like a trick that you figured out that, like, get you to work when you don't want to work or get you to the gym when you're like, ugh, I'm not sure about this, then is there something there that you can mine and figure out, well, I'm not going to do it the exact same way, but there's something at the heart of what I'm doing here that works for me, and I can use it to push down the barriers once I figure out what they are.

[Mary Robinette] There's an essay, and I can't remember what the exact title of the essay is, but it's something along the lines of The Cab Is The Ritual. And the person who's writing it says that they go to the gym everyday. But going to the gym, that's not the thing, it's the ritual, the thing that gets them to the gym is getting the taxi. And so, if they think about all of the things that they need to go to do to get the taxi, and they've got all of that stacked up, once they get in the taxi, the ritual is complete, and now they know that anything that follows from that is something that they have previously done before that makes them feel good. But the... But recognizing, oh, okay, if I... If I set... If I set the once I do this, then that follows, and you set the once I do this at a lower threshold, then a lot of times... Obviously this is someone in New York who...

[DongWon] Yeah. Yeah.

[laughter]

[DongWon] Yeah.

[Mary Robinette] But I... That's the kind of thing that I think about when I'm hearing you talk, Erin, about, like, what are the patterns, How can I... How can I find a thing?

[DongWon] Right. Right.

[Erin] And I really relate to that, because when I was actually trying to go to the gym or in New York, one thing I would do is always change into my gym clothes before I left the office.

[DongWon] Yeah.

[Erin] And I would tell myself, you do not have to go to the gym. All you have to do is be in gym clothes and walk past the gym. You can walk past the gym and go home. But you have to walk past it. And like nine times out of 10, it's like, well, I'm here, I'm in gym clothes, here's my gym. But sometimes I would walk past it. And having the permission to sometimes, like, not be at... Just because you figured out a pattern doesn't mean it works 100% of the time, or that sometimes the barrier is there for a reason. Sometimes you're exhausted, and you're like, my pattern is to write every day, but, like, I can't even keep my eyes open. Maybe this one time, like, I can let the pattern go and it won't destroy everything that I've built is something that I think is really nice, which is permission to yourself...

[DongWon] Yeah.

[Erin] To be human. Because I think sometimes when we think about barriers, it's like if I'm not slaying it every single time, then, like, I am a failure at breaking down barriers, and I might as well not try at all.

[DongWon] Yeah. This is where the idea of a practice comes back in for me. The difference between an intention and a goal, a practice versus a pattern. You know what I mean? And it's like having the permission to not do the things sometimes, at least for me, is very, very useful for helping me (A) not beat myself up the one time I do slip and I don't do the thing, but also to lower that initiation cost into getting... If I don't have to... If, for me, sometimes I feel oppositional to being told to do something. Right? A shocking surprise to everyone in my life.

[Chuckles]

[DongWon] But I think lowering that friction can be really helpful.

[Mary Robinette] And, on the other hand, if you are someone for whom a streak really works...

[DongWon] Yeah.

[Mary Robinette] And breaking the streak can cause that entire process to collapse, then... Then what I would say is find the smallest version of that streak, because if you say I always write 2,000 words, then... And you hit a day when you can't because you have the flu, then that process is going to collapse on you. But if you... If you're like I always open my document. That's like the lowest threshold you can possibly set it at.

[DongWon] Yeah.

[Mary Robinette] Then that's something that you can maintain. But, again, like, not everybody's brain works the same way. Some people, if it breaks, it doesn't... So looking at the patterns outside of writing...

[DongWon] It's funny. I have this physical object that is a calendar made by the maker Simone Yurts or Simone Yetts. Yeah. And it's a board that has every day of the year on it. And when you press it, it lights up. Right? So all you do... It's called the Every Day Calendar, you just, like, tap it and it, like, marks that you did a thing that day.

[Mary Robinette] Oh, neat.

[DongWon] And it can be used for a variety of things. And when I've tried to use it for, like, I'm gonna like meditate for 10 minutes every day, or I'm gonna like go for a 5 mile run, or I'm gonna do XYZ. Those are the times when I found myself skipping often. I've started using it again recently, and all it is, is I open my notebook to look at my task list. It's not I did anything on that task list, it is not I rewrote, it's nothing more than I took my notebook, I opened it up, and looked at it. That's all I have to do to mark it. And so it... Having something that's very low friction, it is letting me mark the thing on the thing so that it all lights up and it looks pretty and I'm like, oh, there are the weekends I didn't do it, then... You know what I mean? That is really, really helpful, and sometimes, like, being that generous with yourself in terms of, like, what are the things I need to get me into the mindset? I think this is like my work version of, yeah, I put on my workout clothes before I leave the office. And so I want to talk a little bit more about what we actually do once we've, like, lowered that friction a little bit. But first, let's take a quick break.

[DongWon] Okay. Welcome back. Before the break, we were talking about sort of, like, how we manage to reduce the friction when we're building out our processes, when we're starting to figure out what are the things that we can do that make it a little bit easier to activate when whenever we need to do the thing.

[Mary Robinette] So then I think the next question is, though, okay, so we figured out how to lower the friction, what do I do next?

[DongWon] Yeah. Exactly. So once you've, like, lowered that friction, how do you start taking that next step? How do you identify here's the next thing I need to be doing in the chain? For me, it's often like, okay, I've opened that notebook, I looked at the thing, what are the useful steps I can take from this point? Right? And sometimes that is as simple as, okay, rewrite the list. Remake that list. Sometimes it is, oh, this has reminded me of this email that I forgot to send last night that I've got to send right now.

[Mary Robinette] I find that I have similar things where it's if I use my checklist, if I use my notebook, I'm much better. But what I also find when I'm trying to, like, figure out a process, a routine, a ritual, whatever that is, is that if I can link things together so that there's kind of a natural flow, that it is, again... It's part of reducing the friction.

[DongWon] Yeah.

[Mary Robinette] And that sometimes the way I figure that out is by doing what Erin talked about, just looking at patterns for ah, here's something that I'm eager to do, and look at the things that I'm eager to do, think about why I'm eager to do those, and then how I can either attach the thing that I... The next thing to something that I'm eager to do, or how I can re-engineer the thing that I don't want to do into something that has similar properties to the thing I'm eager to do. So...

[Erin] Yeah. I'm a big fan of, like, the what you're eager... Like, attaching things together that wouldn't otherwise be attached. Something that I will sometimes do is, not to make everything about working out, but when I get hungry, I think, like, the best time to have food, in my opinion, is right after you work out.

[DongWon] Yeah.

[Erin] Your body is like, this is delish. And so when I get hungry, I think, I'm hungry, this is a sign that I should go work out so that I can have the most delicious food. Ever. So I think I've turned, like, this one body signal into a signal to do another thing, as opposed to thinking, like, oh, when am I gonna work out today, it's like, oh, my gosh, like, beginning signs of hunger? Oh, yeah, baby, like let's go. And so that is something. And I also will cook food while... I have an air fryer... While I'm working out. And so, like, as I'm working out, the food, I can smell it and it's like, I'm Pavlov dogging myself...

[Chuckles]

[Erin] Into associating exercise with getting delicious food.

[DongWon] Yeah.

[Erin] And so therefore I'm, like, creating a way not just to, like, lower friction but to create some sort of, like...

[DongWon] Yeah.

[Erin] This tie between things...

[Mary Robinette] Yeah.

[Erin] That may not be tied except I forced them to be.

[Mary Robinette] That's really interesting because you actually just reminded me of a thing that I was, like, I... That works for me, but I'd kind of forgotten that I did. Because it's been working for so long. Which is I realized at some point that when I'm writing or avoiding writing as the case may be, but when I reach for my phone, that it's because the task in front of me is hard and I'm fleeing...

[DongWon] Yeah.

[Mary Robinette] And so I can't... Like, that impulse is hard to break, so what I've retrained myself is that when I reach for my phone, instead of opening social media, I have an app called Sweepy, which will present you with one task which you should do around the house. And they're like 5 minute tasks. And so I go and I do the 5-minute task, and that gives me a little bit of time away from the computer. I've accomplished a thing, so I feel better. Something about my house is a little bit tidier. And also, because it's a non-narrative thing that I'm doing, it gives me time to kind of think about the thing. And then I can go back. And if I nope that again, that I will do sometimes two or three household chores, and then I'm... But usually that is enough for me to kind of get away. Whereas when I pick up my phone and I go into social media, I'm in there... Like, the rest of the day is lost.

[DongWon] Yeah. What I really like about both of your examples is when I think about getting stuck in process. Right? When I'm thinking about, like, oh, my process isn't serving me in some way, I think the physicality of it, the embodiment of myself in that process becomes really important for me to think about, too. And those are simple things, like, do I need water? Am I hungry? Right? Have I been outside today? Am I just like in my dark office staring at my screen, or do I need to get up and walk around? Should I go stretch or go outside? Like... Or even, like, do I need to change the setup of my office? Right? If... Is the problem that I'm not getting a natural light? Maybe I should actually open my curtains for once. You know what I mean? And I think those things and observing and thinking about those processes not just, like, as abstract work, but also remembering that you are a person who unfortunately has a body and has to be in the world.

[Mary Robinette] Yeah.

[Erin] Well, I think also I like to treat myself like I am my own, like, nicest assistant. Which, like, sometimes you're doing something and it's a small stress. So, like, I like to drink cans of soda water when writing. And for a long time, I would just, like, put them on the side of the desk. And then it's like they're messy and they're there and I thought, like, if I was a really nice, like, person for me, I would buy myself, like, a tiny trash can. So that, like, I could put all my cans in the recycling and they would be behind me. I wouldn't have to see them. And then when I took them downstairs, I would feel like, great, now it's not bothering me.

[DongWon] Yeah.

[Erin] And I think a lot of times, like, my instinctive response to a small bother will be like I should not be bothered by that.

[DongWon] Yeah.

[Erin] Whereas my lovely assistant version of me, like my, like, good partner version of me, would be like, well, how can we actually just not have that bother you at all?

[DongWon] Yeah.

[Erin] As opposed to you becoming unbothered by it. And so now I... A lot of times, if something is like a very small thing in my space, it doesn't feel like it affects the writing, but it's like... Sometimes I'll be like, oh, there's all these cans here, like, oh, I should go... I should go do this, I should go do that, I'm such a messy person, and it like gets me out of the... Out of the flow.

[DongWon] Yeah.

[Erin] In a way that putting something in the trash can never does.

[Mary Robinette] You said something that I'm like, what kind of gift can I...

[DongWon] Yeah.

[Mary Robinette] Like, some... And that, I think, is one of the biggest things you can do. Because we give really good advice to our friends.

[Chuckles]

[Mary Robinette] Like, all of us do.

[DongWon] Yeah.

[Mary Robinette] You, listener, give really good advice to your friend. So one of the things that I was doing for a little while when I was at a point where I was... This was right after mom had died when I was trying to rebuild my process. I started writing... At the end of the day, I would write, Dear Past Self, here are all the things you did really well today. And when I got up in the morning, I would write, Dear Future Self, here are the challenges that you're facing, here are some strategies to help you get past those things. And that helped so much.

[DongWon] Yeah.

[Mary Robinette] So I think you can do that. That's a thing that you can do for yourself about your writing process, about anything else. Dear past self, here's the stuff. And the first time I did it, my instinct was, wow, you really messed up today. And I'm like, no, that's not how I would say this to a friend. How would I say this to a friend? Like, there were a lot of challenges, and you worked really hard to get past them, and here are the things you did anyway.

[DongWon] It's like a thing I say about relationships sometimes. It's like your partner should treat you at least as well as they would treat a stranger. You know what I mean? In terms of like politeness...

[Mary Robinette] Yeah.

[DongWon] Consideration, and things like that. And you completely derailed me by being like you should treat yourself at least as good as you treat a stranger.

[laughter]

[DongWon] It's like, well, damn.

[laughter]

[Mary Robinette] Yeah, yeah.

[DongWon] I'm going to have to think about that one for a second.

[Mary Robinette] [garbled] A little uncomfortable there. So those are things... I think what we keep saying here is ask yourself questions, pay attention to patterns, like, trust your reactions. So if you're having a bad reaction to something, that's from a stimulus.

[DongWon] Yeah.

[Mary Robinette] So you have to reshape that, or remove it in some way.

[Erin] Yeah. I was just thinking that, which is that sometimes, like, a process like we may have said something during this podcast or previously where you're like, no, do not want.

[DongWon] Yeah. Yeah.

[Erin] Hate it for me, and I think, like, pay attention to that.

[Mary Robinette] Yeah.

[DongWon] Exactly.

[Erin] Just because somebody is not you doesn't mean that they know better than you. In fact, they probably don't. But I think sometimes we are willing to, like, listen to other people tell us how we should be, as opposed to listening to what...

[DongWon] Yeah.

[Erin] We know about ourselves.

[DongWon] I love that. And I think that's a perfect segue into our homework...

[DongWon] Which is, I want you to start taking these first steps towards listening to yourself. So, my homework for you is to make a list of all the steps that go into your writing process. Start small. Start with the little things and work outwards towards the big macro things that you need to keep moving forward in your writing. Right? Start with I like to write at this time... I like to use this keyboard at this computer, and use this program, and I need to write for this amount of time. Whatever it is. Just make a list. Free associate it, don't put too much stress on it, and then work backwards to the I need to feel a certain way, I need my environment to be a certain way. And once you've made that list, just go through and consider if each of those items is serving you in this process or not, and are they something you want to change? You don't need to know how yet. All I'm asking you to do at this point is observe and feel and see what your process actually is.

[Mary Robinette] This has been Writing Excuses. You're out of excuses, now go write.